Okay so, I was born in 1983. The doctor made my mother cry when he told her I was an albino. I'm not the kind with red eyes mind you. I have blue-gray eyes, near-white hair and I'm fair-skinned. I actually don't look that different from say...a normal Scandinavian person, except you know, I'm not tall, willowy, and beautiful lol. But when your brain doesn't have melanin it doesn't grow quite right, and neither do your eyes. I am blind as a bat. I have next to no depth perception and already wear bifocals. On the plus side, because my irises are translucent, I have excellent night vision.

Now, my parents got divorced when I was two, for reasons neither side can agree upon. But my mom found herself without a man, so she quickly found a replacement. Enter my stepfather, an insecure, balding, *ssh@le type personality. He set out to make me into a little copy of himself, using his belt and other nearby objects as his primary tools. That didn't go too well, but my mom was happy to pop out four more little copies for him to work on.

In any case, my mother informs me that I was an independent child, learning to walk and speak early, teaching myself how to read and write with little guidance. I had a lot of trouble with shoe tying though, go figure. But once my stepdad had been in the picture for a while, I changed. I was timid and fearful, preferred to spend my time alone, or with animals, especially my beloved dog, a border collie/golden retriever mix named Alex. Alex was red just like a fox, with a white chest, white nose and white feet, and big fan-like tail. Having just seen both disney's robin hood (still one of my favorite movies) and the fox and the hound. I decided he was a fox and I was too (but I was also robin hood, of course) and we built dens and pretended to eat leaves (i only actually tried it once). Of course i was strongly encouraged to grow out of that phase. But I still liked to hide when I was upset and built many forts for just that purpose. I liked sleeping in nests and spent a period of several weeks lapping water from a dish on my bedside table.

At my elementary school, we had no playground..just a blacktop and a field. I was the one hiding in the grass, pretending to predatorily stalk people. Needless to say, people thought I was weird. Eventually, as I said, things sort of came to a head with my stepfather and to save myself, and incidentally, my social life, I took on this persona of a normal person. Well sort of anyway. But I had friends and boyfriends, I was in drama club, I graduated in the top ten percent of my class and got a full scholarship to a small private college in Ohio, which was closer to my father, since my mother had moved us to Texas when i was seven. (We also lived in Kansas and Indiana briefly). In the background, in my junior year of high school, I had started cutting. I kept it a secret and didn't do it very often. My parents were very religious and conservative. They think people with depression are making it up to get attention. Its about this time that I started to have a lot of positive feelings towards dragons. I had always liked them, even as a child. Maleficent was my favorite Disney character. But then I read the Pern books..now I *really* liked dragons. I bought every dragon related object I could find. My parents joked that I didn't own a shirt that didn't have a dragon on it.

So, I went to college and towards the end of my first year, had what can only be described as a severe mental crisis. I stopped going to class and slept almost 20 hours a day, plus I was cutting.. a lot. My friends freaked out, took me to counseling. I had meds, they only helped a little. I went home against my better judgment, but it only lasted about a month. I moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was nineteen. I haven't been home since and have only seen my mother once since then.

My father is an atheist. Their daughter goes to Catholic school, and my stepmother is what I describe as Metho-Buddhist. She still believes in jesus and stuff like that but she also believes in reincarnation, practices meditation and reads Tarot. She always said that I seemed like I was not all in the world..like my body was here but my spirit was somewhere else. I felt very keenly that I had been born in the wrong time or place, and was unhappy with the world I now found myself in. I didn't understand it. Sometimes, I still feel that. I started wearing hematite for grounding. It seemed to work..but it also stifled my creativity, it made me feel like I was cut off from something important. Not only that, but nearly every hematite thing I've ever worn has broken. I still think its pretty..but I don't wear it anymore. In any case, through a book of hers I discovered that druids were alive and well. I found a local grove and have been a member of ever since.

As I said in my intro post, it was through druidry that I first began to feel my other self again, although I wouldn't have called it that at the time. Along with several others I did a guided meditation to find my totem animal. We were supposed to give this special rock to the animal we found as a gift in exchange for their alliance. Well, after stumbling around in the Otherworld for a while, I found a fox kit. Something told me that I needed to bring him back to his mother, so I did. I tried to give her the rock, but she said, very practically, that she could not do anything with a rock and I needed something better. So I climbed a tall pine tree and found a nest with a bird's egg. I left the rock in the nest and gave the egg to the fox. To my lasting surprise, all of the sudden, she had a female human face, and a hand that was still covered in fur, clutching the egg.

After the meditation, someone mentioned something about kitsune, about how that sounded like one. Of course, I began researching. Meanwhile, my fox spirit guide became none other than the fox kit that I had rescued. His name was Eochy. I found the stories of kitsune fascinating, even going so far as to try and write a book about them...still unfinished *sigh* Meanwhile, I got married. I started to experiment more with my totem, I read a lot of books on totem magic. I experimented with dancing my totem, undergoing mental shifts. Being fox seemed very right to me, I could feel my ears, my claws, my teeth especially. Dragon also felt strong within me, but more on a temporary basis. My husband once said he saw a dragon guarding my sleep..just for an instant. I told him to quit smoking so much weed lol. We used to joke about the way I horded food, at the funny noises I made, at the way I could wrinkle my nose oddly, that it was just my foxy side. I just thought it was funny. But also more and more, I felt myself as fox. I chose Sionnach as my pagan name, that means fox in Irish. I left my husband, and lived by myself for the first time.

During my period of alone time, I wasn't very happy. I had fallen hard for someone at work who had feelings for me but had someone else, and a child. I used fox to hide at work, and began to also open myself up to my fox side during ritual as well. I went into therapy to help me deal with my past, I still had terrifying nightmares of my stepfather. In the course of my therapy, I began to try and find my true identity, what was really me and what I had built for the sake of others. That's when I realized that I believed myself to be fox, possibly, I thought a kitsune, though it didn't feel exactly right. I thought I was crazy, or that i had an overactive imagination. My therapist was fairly supportive. I started dating someone else. He was also supportive of my fox identity, he had always identified strongly with wolf. He even called me Fox as a pet name.

The more I began to accept this, and integrate it into myself fully, the better and more confident I felt. Some odd things did happen. I had read a totem magic book years ago that had talked about eating raw meat as a way to connect to a predatory totem. I was initially disgusted by this, but as I accepted my fox self, it didn't seem so gross..in fact it seemed kind of..yummy...as long as it was warm. Eating cold meat didn't appeal to me very much. So now, I eat my meat very rare..I know that as someone who is still human in part, raw meat is not healthy. It does sound good though...now I'm hungry.

Anyway, so that happened, I now sometimes feel my teeth, claws or ears, or rarely tail at random times. Also i sometimes manifest dragon wings..but I think that's more of a defense mechanism from a strong totem than anything. After a lot of thought, and having read the Field Guide to Otherkin as well as some other things, I think I have a handle on what I am, though I'm not sure if anyone else around here would agree. In ADF, we believe that the Tuatha de Danaan are the gods, and the sidhe, or the fae, are the nature spirits. After studying kitsune, and feeling like that was almost right, but not quite, I believe that my non-human part, my kin-side, I guess, is a fox sidhe. On other fronts, I broke up with my boyfriend, and now live with my dog two cats and iguana by myself. I should graduate from college as a biologist next May. After spending a lot of time being dissatisfied with the world that I find myself in, I realized the only solution is to make it into a world I like better. So I'm going into environmental work. I think finding that book and this community was the right thing to do. I was feeling my teeth all day yesterday.

Nicely written intro.

Not trying to discourage you, but have you considered these manifestations might be a form of lasting escapism?

Also, that line about not smoking so much pot made me laugh...

Not to be rude, but that could apply to anyone who has otherkin feelings. I've often questioned, my sanity, or whether its only my imagination. But you know what, I decided it makes me happy and more fulfilled to believe it is real. So if isn't real, so what? I didn't come here for validation, but for community. I love my life, despite all its problems, and if I wanted to escape, I have plenty of other avenues, believe me.

I think I understand why newcomers here often feel hostility. After reading a lot of posts, it seems like you guys have taken the stance to assume everyone who comes here is a poser, and make them prove their real-ness to you before you accept them. I can understand your position, it seems like you get a lot of fakers, or people who come here to make fun of you. But you should look at from our side, the people that come to you. Some of us, like myself, have already done a lot of soul-searching and questioning, and have come here to find camaraderie, fellowship with people like ourselves. Others come much earlier on their journey, and they are afraid, unsure, and they come here for help. For many of us (not me really, but for most) this is a difficult subject to talk about, to admit. And for people to sort of automatically assume you're faking can be a big discouragement to people who are already unsure of their life's path. I think some people here should think about the hurt they may be doing somebody before they automatically go on the attack. After all, even in court, its innocent till proven guilty.

In any case, I hope that I can eventually feel welcome here and we can come to an understanding.

Exactly right.



I think we try to get the newcomers to prove maturity. What they believe is no real matter to us.



The only thing any of us should be certain of is uncertainty. I did not ask if you were faking, I merely asked if you considered the possibility of it being a form of elongated escapism.



I want you to feel welcome here. If I didn't, why would I read your history? No, feel welcome, but do not take questions offensively.

*blinks* One question is asked and you jump to the conclusion that Xol is being hostile. I understand some defensiveness, but that sort of... aggression? isn't going to work well here.

We ask lots of questions here, and many are meant to simply cover the basics. If you get asked the same repetitive questions at a job interview, it's not because they think you're stupid or slow. It's because they need to know that information before they can make an informed decision. Until then, opinions are unformed, though first impressions are important.

Questioning one's feelings can seem harsh. And one can argue that too much negativity against otherkin-ness can cause repression. But you have to understand something as well. Those who claim without being affect not only themselves but every other actual otherkin. They use their ego and need to feel special to denigrate and diminish what being otherkin actually means.

If you are otherkin, it is as real when you are 6 as when you are 60. So an extra year or two of resistance is not unexpected. And every otherkin, even when they do accept what they are, will always have questions, doubts, a nagging splinter of uncertainty as long as they exist in a human body and can never stand before an objective mirror and see their true self. Doubt is healthy, its what keeps otherkin from drinking the kool-aid and letting whatever thought they have run wild in their mind.

Being alone is what defines otherkin. Even if you are a dragon standing next to another otherkin dragon, most will only ever see the human body. You are trapped by your perceptions, never knowing if anyone will ever be able to truly, actually see you as you are. The metaphor of a human being stuck on an alien planet doesn't even come close, its a human being stuck on an alien planet looking for someone they grew up with. 7 billion humans, a hundred billion planets, the odds against landing on a random planet and finding someone you recognize are astronomical. And thats with a human being having full access to their human memories. Add to that the fuzzy memories and inclinations of being an otherkin and...

We are all islands in the dark. If some aren't as welcoming, maybe its because on some level they are aware of just what it is they are looking for and how rare it is to find.

I actually wasn't talking about you or this post specifically, I was talking in general. Some people's reception here have been rather harsh, though mine has been fairly smooth. I agree that self-questioning is healthy. I am a scientist after all. I often find these two sides of myself at war.

I would say that any claims of automatic defensiveness are apparent on both sides. In some posts I've been reading here, attempts at rational discussion seem to rapidly disintegrate into a flame war, and I'm not saying anyone is particularly to blame. I was just suggesting that in general, I can see how people feel like they're getting the third degree, and when you''re talking about a matter of what someone feels in their soul, that can leave a lasting scar.

I understand that letting a bunch of people in here who act stupid and pretend to be Otherkin when they're really just looking for a crutch can seem like it brings down people who actually have this soul deep feeling. Although you might consider that if we really want other people to be more accepting of us, we might do better to accepting of others. Its a fine line...obviously the yahoo pretending to be a teletubby has to go...but how much benefit are you really giving the community when you ridicule people who are obviously lost and scared (to be clear...not talking about myself..) I'm just wondering if it would better to try and help people like that then just mock them. (Not that mocking isn't sometimes funny.)

Anyway, I was only saying that I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and after reading some of the things on the board here, I was thinking maybe a few other people here might benefit by doing the same. Again, not even referring to Xol's comment, it was only his immediate skepticism brought up something I'd been thinking of as I'd been reading some of the posts, particularly in the fluff hunter board. Not that some of them aren't hilarious, and justly deserved, but some of them seemed to cross the line into cruelty, and I also thought it was a little hypocritical occasionally. Because, really, who are we to say someone else is a nut-job? I mean, look at what all of us believe. (Granted some of those people clearly were nut-jobs..but then I wondered if it was wise to provoke them ) I know that its a slippery slope.

But I don't think being Otherkin means you have to be alone. I mean. sure, everyone is, in the end, alone in their own skin and obviously, when you feel like the skin you're in isn't the right skin, it can make the feeling worse. And everyone here will have different beliefs and opinions. But that doesn't mean we can't support each other, to be a little less alone, I guess.

Now, as for the bio, it is very well written and fully satisfied my initial curiosity about you (you looked and still look an intresting and good person to me).

As for the rest, none of us is completely right. It is true that escapism can apply for every otherkin, and true as well the fact that we might ask a lot of questions, up to the point to reach (voluntary or not) a bit of hostility. But we do it for a reason, and you guessed it: it's not rare for people to just come here, play the role of an otherkin and see what we answer or say just for fun. The only remedy to this would be closing the registrations, but then otherkin who want answers would be unfairly excluded.

And to proceed with the discussion,

I absolutely agree with what you said. Everyone is alone in death, I think, but at any other time he/she is alone only if he/she wants: friends support each other. We can talk, discuss, ask or give help: no one is really alone in this, even if it seems. Just look around for someone you can trust, you'll find it. Or someone who trusts you will eventually come to you. Besides, this forum itself is meant for meeting (even on the internet) other people like us.
Just my opinion.

Regarding what was said about doubt being healthy and there still being a nagging feeling of being wrong, I can attest to that.

I came here as well for company, as the forum I was a regular at (and a moderator) closed down. I spent some time hoping it would return, to no avail.

I figure I missed the interaction between each member, yes.

I came here and was questioned extensively. Mostly it was about the most questionable aspect about me at the time... I felt more that other aspects were ignored. I guess it was necessary to question the most sore thumbed topic about me though to assure people I was a-okay.

I like to talk to people, I hope the others here haven't scared you very much. :3

I enjoyed your bio, I was grilled when I joined and I'm glad I was because it made me prove myself. I am a wolf and I'm happy being one, my life has been no bed of roses but it has made me stronger and a better person.

I hope you learn alot on here

Second everything here (save that I'm not a wolf heh). When I joined I too was asked a lot of questions but they were all necessary and ended up being for the better.

Good luck in everything!

I came here to find my probably dead friends. And I realize now that my own intro was not as good as I could've written.

I was met with much hostility and possible banning (atleast I perceived it that way..) for my outrageous beliefs about my history

But it worked out fine in the end. There have been bumps in the road, but it's fine now. I love this place and the people here

Your intro was awesome and I hope you will have a productive stay.

And also, Nightvision! \m/ Ò__Ó \m/.

I haz too, but probably not as good as you have. I only have really sensitive eyes to the point of almost getting burned (Feels like it) by the summer sunlight here in Sweden.

Somehow, it never ceases to surprise me when people say they used to/do cut. Every time I am surprised. I really don't know why. Anyway, I hope you're all right now; you sound it.

I was kind of wondering, though... more often than not people I've met in these sorts of communities describe themselves as 'eclectic' pagans, or practice a personal recipe 'mish-mash'. What advantages to you see in being a specifically ADF druid and following a more set belief system? Or would you say that you follow it more loosely? I'm kind of curious as I say because most druid/pagan types I've met don't have any specific alignment or 'group' 9beyond, perhaps, a local coven).